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Many say that becoming a mother is the grandest blessing a woman can have. Yes… I couldn’t disagree with such a claim. Blessing is a right word for me. However, the experience also brings other words that are also accurate. Doubt is a big one. On becoming a mother, I was driven to every book, every article and every anecdote anybody could share with me so that I might become the best mother to my children.   Devouring those books and black on white scribbles only led me to more questions and more self doubt. No book ever described the exact details of my experiences.

Where was the book that told about the celebration of a baby boy coming into my life after I had decided that I would be a mother of an only child? Where was I to find the description of a love so deep towards another little human being who I had never conceived in my mind before? How was I to welcome someone who came rushing into my life with no previous announcement? He came without my consent, he didn’t seem to be asking for my permission either, he was coming to stay. He never seemed to have any respect for my boundaries. My body was his for almost 3 years of breastfeeding. All of what was mine, his sister´s or anybody else’s was automatically considered his, if he found a liking to it.

Scolding him, time outs, punishments, adult conversations with a three year old, and a five year old and a thirteen year old and an eighteen year old, were all failed attempts at taming his wild soul. Parent-teacher conferences filled with “your son needs confinement” kinds of statements only took me to ahh yes another word…frustration!!!!!  How in the world could I teach my son to be who the world wanted him to be? I continued reading books and encountered sleepless nights trying to figure out the code that would unlock the equation that would allow me to masterfully deliver a flawless being into the world.

Regardless of my attempts, he seemed to have plans of his own. He would always defy me whislt figuring out ways in which he could get away from his time in the corner. He continued eating everyone of his sister’s chocolates if he found them available. In school, he learned to laugh people out of their frustration and disciplinary methods. No one, could seem to interfere with who he was.  All he has ever known how to be is himself, and he seems to have a pretty good time with being exactly that.

On a day that my foggy mind was a little clearer, I came across an idea that seemed to make sense to me. I made the decision to step aside from my attempts of correcting him since it was evident that my attempts of disciplining him were being totally unsuccessful. It appeared that i was messing up a pretty amazing masterpiece that was only needing space to become. My frustration took me to surrender. I decided to step away from my attempts of molding him, and I allowed him the space to fail, to fall, to hurt, all of which were my greatest fears that drove me to control him.

The next word that washed over me was DOUBT. Did stepping back mean I didn’t care anymore? Was I going to be an abandoning mother if I let him have his downfalls? Was I being a good enough mother if I DIDN’T show him the way?

I decided to step aside anyway, since it seemed to be the only thing left to do. I watched him grow and I became an active observer of his becoming ways. I found no book on how to do this either. No book ever teaches us how to contain our impending fear. An abyss of darkness was my holding space, and all I could do was observe and take another ride of the rollercoaster of feelings that I was unaware of.

I fell in love… inevitably. My attempts to change him through my rigid discipline was only distorting his precious way of being. He was throwing back at me all of what he was not, and striving to be all that he was meant to be. When I stepped to the side I was slowly (rapidly) confronted with the most incredible display of humor, intensity and genuineness I have ever been witness of. In short, I found I smiled a lot when I saw him. I fell in love with who he really was as soon as I let go of the person who only existed in my limited (very limited) imagination. I learned to know his heart. I found he was made of gold.

The next fear that overcame me was when I realized others could harm him in ways in which I had harmed him before. I wanted to ensure that his heart would be loved unconditionally.  He needed to find  a special person, and I thought there would be no one out there that could love him enough, or at least as i wanted them to love him.  Once more, I was intending to create someone out of my imagination.   I decided to let go of my controlling ways and allow him to make the choosing. A special one surly found her way to his heart  and again without my consent or permission he is now in the making of yet another masterpiece: The shape of love.

A part of me craves to be included as an instrument of his fine carvings, but he doesn’t seem to be needing much of my help. I must confess that in a way I feel saddened to not be called in to participate in his struggles, fears, and joys. I remind myself constantly to simply step aside and watch him glow. I show him my love and appreciation of who he is. I tell him I hope he is being loved by a special one and he always replies “ She’s awesome mom”. I breathe and thank God. I wish I could be more  a part of his unfolding, but it seems like he is the one who sets the dosage of how much mom is needed.

Today was his first anniversary. He came to me and asked for a favor. He had prepared a special lunch for his girl, and needed to pick her up at 1:00.   He  had no time to get the roses to the restaurant so that they’d prepare the table with red rose petals. He asked me if I could buy the roses and take them to the restaurant for him. Time seemed to stand still that moment as I realized he was making me be part of his plans. I was asked to be THE ROSE PICKER UPPER. Speechless with the grand honor and swallowing the deep well of tears of joy,  I muttered “of course darling”.

I had been considered in his plans. I was in his list of people to be taken into account for assisting him in his special occasions. Stepping aside has given me a space to step forward in spaces I never imagined could be possible for me.  The creation of who I thought I needed to be interrupted the possibilities to become the mother he needs me to be.  I will continue to be open to new learnings.  He has been a Master in my life, and for that I am blessed.

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